Blissfully

His arms wrap themselves around me,
holding me tightly in their vise,
but I am not prey violently captured.
Instead, I bask there,
like a shark
who happily swims into the net.

I Heart

"I Heart" Pt. 1

I heart summer breezes and desert rains
Texas hills and roaming plains
And houses that don't look the same.

I heart places where the sky is blue
The clouds are white
And you can see the stars at night.

I heart desert heat and shining sun
Rushing the field when the game is done
And raising our voices to cheer as one.

I heart the places where my loved ones are
Though they're scattered near and far
I feel safest in their arms.


"I Heart" Pt. 2

I heart the arms that hold me close,
that pull me near,
that lift me when I trip and fall.

I heart the eyes that honey just for me,
that brighten incredibly,
that take me in - all of me.

The heart the mind that thinks like mine,
that schemes and plots deviously,
that accepts my crazy and runs with it too.

I heart the breath that calms me,
that soothes me,
that washes over me as I dream.

I heart the heart that beats with mine,
that steadies me,
that gives you life.

I heart the man who cherishes me,
who loves without holding back,
who is my everything.

Serenity

take my hand and pull me down

into the comfort of your sweet embrace

~~*~~

sweep my lips across your face

and wrap my arms around your waist

close my eyes

and breathe in the delight

of you.

hold you close and know

that no one else was meant for me

like you.

More craptastic poetry

More craptastic poetry from high school up until recently, arranged in approximate chronological order. I think almost all of this is of the "unrequited love" variety so you might not want to read it if you can't stand that stuff (and, no, they're not all about the same guy).



“I‘m Coming” (needs a better title!)

Falling down
Falling to the solid ground
Head over heels
Wishing I know how it feels
So bring me back
And show me everything that I lack
And maybe I, I’ll know
Every thing that I should show

Now I’m coming round
I’m coming to know
And I hear that perfect sound
I’m coming through the rain
And now the sun is shining down again

Walking on
Walking toward my only goal
Faster than
The cars that pass just inches from my hand
They’re going someplace
Where I’m headed, I don’t know
So show me
Where you think that I should go

Passing by
The people that refuse to catch my eye
Wondering why
They won’t talk to someone of my kind
I’m not disappointed
Holding on to what I wanted
I’m waiting for a sign
Will what I want ever be mine?


"I Already Am"

Don’t look down on me, baby
The class portrait doesn’t show the whole story
Hand in hand we face the day but you can’t even say
What you really want to know
I’d let you know in a heartbeat if you’d just let me
Go ahead and open your mouth and your eyes
And speak up, child
Because you won’t get anywhere zipped up
Though your cup runneth over
With intelligence
Put it to good use and make my day
You haven’t got a clue what you could say
Let me be there because I want to
Even if you don’t know, I already am.


"El Paso Doesn't Give"

As we parted ways, it was with mutual disregard
I wanted to get away, and you were all too willing
I won’t allow myself to look back in that direction
That parting speech of yours was sickeningly bone-chilling
It makes smiling all but impossible these days
I’ve completely gone off and lost all track of time
My face is deathly white, and I don’t know why I’m shivering
Because the path I walk takes me toward the sunshine
The tears that are rolling incessantly down my cheeks feel warm
They evaporate the instant they make contact with the sun-baked sidewalk
Either way, El Paso doesn’t really give a darn


“I Won’t Lie” (based on the song "I'd Lie" by Taylor Swift)

I talk to him every day
But he doesn’t see things my way
I say I don’t like that guy
But he thinks my denial’s a lie

I tell him what I say is true
I say, “I have never lied to you”
‘Cause I trust him with everything
But I don’t think he’d ever understand
That he holds my whole world in his hands
And that’s why this song I sing

And I could tell you
That he’s not just any boy
He’s my Adonis
All that I want is
Someone who can make me laugh
And who’ll never make me cry
And if you ask me if I love him
I won’t lie

They all say that he is dumb
But I see where he’s coming from
We’ve stayed up late and talked
He never fails to leave me in shock

He’s the light in my dark day
When I see him, I can’t look away
I’m cheering, and it’s just for him

And I could tell you
That he’s not just any boy
He’s my Adonis
All that I want is
Someone who can make me laugh
And who’ll never make me cry
And if you ask me if I love him
I won’t lie


"You and Her...and Me" (another one based on "I'd Lie")

I see red thro’ glistening eyes
As bottled-up emotions threaten to arise
To my frustration and surprise
I cannot take it any more…
You complain of being tired and sore
As you walk out that open door
I wish you’d stay around longer
I wonder what you think of her
Is she your sister and best friend?
Do you see her as I see him?
Or do you lie to hide the truth?
Well, I know you will never see
The way that everything ought to be
You’ll never think that way about me


"Poem for ( )"

We got it out into the open
No more secrets; nothing to hide
Admitted all our faults and everything
I finally told you that I lied
It was worthwhile; you finally see past my disguise
You’ve heard my story (please forgive me?)
And know you’re still my brother in my eyes
I never expected you to become my best friend
I’d never have predicted something so amazing

But here we are, it’s like we’ve been born again.


(self-deprecation)

I can’t believe
I’m such a failure, you see
Nothing comes out right
And everything’s wrong
It’s all my fault but
I want to blame you
I’m gonna blame you for what I say

I’ve messed it all up
I’ve made this a problem
When it was a blessing
I’m still thankful for you
I wish I could go back
And fix all my screw-ups
And make it all right, right to you

But time is not made to be turned back
Please forgive me for my knack
For making you hurt
It’s too bad you’re clueless
I wish you had got it
Time, and time again
I tried to say so
Over and over
I almost did, and I wish I had


"Don't Want to Be"

I was talking to my best friend
He said, “I didn’t know you then”
That was a time so long ago
And back then he didn’t even know

That two years from then
We’d be here together
And it’s a whole new life
It’s now or never

And I wonder, has he realized

(chorus)
I can’t live without him
Don’t want to be without him
Don’t want to wake up on my own
Don’t want to be the one girl
Who isn’t part of his world
I just don’t want to be alone

So I let the conversation go
And I tried not to let it show
And as he went on his way
I tried not to dismay

Over all the dumb things that we’d done
And the time it took for me to tell
That he might actually be the one
Who can save me from my hell

I can’t go another day if I don’t say

(chorus)

(bridge)

I was talking to my best friend
Got lost in thought again…

'Cause

(chorus)

If he’s not here I don’t know where I’ll turn
And I hope one day he will learn

That

(chorus)


"Best Friend (Never See the Rain Fall)"

I’ll take my chances
Pickin’ pennies off the sidewalk
If it means that I can
Spend another day with you

Because I know that I would rather
Never see the rain fall
If it means
Being away from you

I don’t know if I can make it
Through the fall, make it or break it
Without seeing your face in my life
I miss being at home
But the one thing I miss most
Is my best friend…


"Confessions of a Fairytale Dreamer"

In that letter that I never sent
I told you that I love you
That I don’t want to live my life without you
Want to throw my arms around your neck and hold you, kiss you,
Have you pick me up and twirl me ‘round
With the sun shinin’ down and my head in the clouds

I want my fairy-tale ending
Didn’t see the Prince Charming you’d become
But now I want you, love you, don’t know how to tell you
I love you and hate myself
Who I was hates the person I am now

Turned into a girly dreamer
Planning, thinkin’ of ways to make you mine
But I
Feel like I don’t belong here anymore
I wanna turn, and run from everything
Into your arms

It took a while
For me to see that
You might be
Perfect after all
It’s too late to fall, but…


“I Dream of Revolution”

A broken world seeks refuge from the storm
Hurting people cry for fulfillment
We strive for nothing more than just to feel
Like everything is finally all right

And so we try
But can’t succeed
And so we yearn
For more than this…
The time is ripe for change

I dream of revolution,
The night fading to day.
A newfound hope for nations,
A return to the old ways.
I dream of a revival,
Our hearts opened to love.
I dream of revolution…


"Tenses" (needs title)

Got sick of waiting yesterday

Picked up the phone

Waited for an answer

Listened for his voice

Grasped at possibilities

Looked for signs that weren’t there

Doubted my intuition

Hated myself for hating him

Converse and get nowhere fast

Speak and hear no answers

Hang up in lieu of what I want

Re-think my stance on waiting here

Kill my co-dependent habit

Paralyze the urge to take his hand

Pop snow-white pills

Tranquilize my pounding heart

Disappointing me again

Wanting more than what I got and what I have

Wishing for an easy answer

Breaking into piercing shards

Taking sleeping over feeling this

Rescuing myself for the night

Hoping dreams will slumber

Dreading the break of day

Poetry from senior year

These are poems from my 1st Six Weeks Portfolio that I did for Creative Writing during my senior year. We were supposed to publish a literary magazine, but it never did see the light of day, so I'm posting these here.

Some of them are craptastic, a few have to do with unrequited love , and all but one of them had to follow some sort of preset format/example (which is noted in parentheses after the title of the poem).

Without further ado...

"I’m Sorry" (apology poem)

I have stolen

Your heart

Right out of your chest

And which

Was probably better off

Before

You met me.

Forgive me,

You were too open,

Too caring,

And too susceptible.

"Stress Ball" (wish poem)

I wish I held the whole world in one hand.

I could squash it,

Bounce it,

Or hurl it across the sky.

"Adrenaline Rush" (wish poem)

I wish I was a whirlwind

Ripping through the atmosphere

Wreaking havoc upon the universe

Leaving evidence of my passing in your midst.

"Lost Balance" (dream poem)

I dreamed I was standing on the edge of the rooftop

Wishing I could have jumped with you

"Mirror, Mirror" (dream poem)

In my dream I walked across a glass floor

It shattered

I saw myself tumble into the nothingness below

My stolen dreams rained down all around me

("I Am" poem)

I am a dreamer and fighter

I wonder if I’ll ever finish writing a novel

I hear the sound of turning pages

I see my words upon the paper

I want to change the world, a person at a time

I am a dreamer and a fighter

I pretend to be tough so they don’t see me hurt

I feel love surround me, even when I’m alone

I touch the pages of the book

I worry that one day I’ll lose myself in it

I cry when I see my emotions on other people’s faces

I am a dreamer and a fighter

I understand that fairy tales aren’t real

I say it can never hurt to try

I dream of a day when nobody cries

I try to see the world from everyone else’s point of view

I hope I get the chance to make a difference

I am a dreamer and a fighter

(5 w poem)

Rebirth

A cold, lifeless shell of a corpse

Underneath the cold, damp ground

Rises to the dewy surface

As soon as the first rays of morning sun peep over the horizon

To join the rest of the world

(cinquain)

Night

Dark, Peaceful

Calming, Cooling, Renewing

The only time I get to be alone

Night

(diamond poem)

"Growing from the Inside Out"

Fear

Awful, Fitful

Binding, Hindering, Hurting

Disaster, Failure, Completion, Miracle

Liberating, Empowering, Reassuring

Certain, Wonderful

Confidence

(freewrite poem)

You took my hand and pulled me down

And I have no memory of much else

You make me smile; can’t make me frown

And right there is when you made up my mind

So take my hand, take me away

Into that dream-world where I’m happy

There’s very little left to say

Except to you…

Why does it have to be this way?

You’re blind and I’m invisible

You can’t help but notice me

And when you’re not there, I’m miserable

You’re the light in my dark day

Dinner and an Argument

A casually-dressed man, KYLE, pulls a nondescript sedan up to the front of an office building. A smartly-dressed woman, HANNAH, walks out of the building and gets into the passenger side of the car. As she buckles her seatbelt, KYLE begins to speak.

Kyle
So, where do you want to eat tonight, honey?

Hannah
I don't care.

Kyle
Neither do I. Ladies’ choice.

Hannah
Why ladies' choice? Why can't you man up for once and decide something yourself?

Kyle
Well, sweetie, every time I do make a choice, you overrule me with some stupid reason, like ‘Oh my ex works there; we can’t go there!' and it's rather frustrating.

Hannah
Well, my ex does work at Friday's! Would you really make me eat with him standing right there after what he did to me?

Kyle
Well, honestly, what he did is in the past. If he wanted to start something with you, then I would end it for him. Thus, there’s no reason why you and I can’t eat at Friday's.

Hannah
I don't feel like eating a lot of fatty junk right now. Let's just pick up some Thai take-out.

Kyle
Again? We've done that four times this week. Why can't you be spontaneous and decide to eat something else for once?

Hannah
I like Thai. It's like my version of comfort food. But "Let's be spontaneous!" says the man who is so damn spontaneous that he just up and decides to go cliff diving one day instead of going to work and loses his job over it!

Kyle
You know, I remember a time when you loved my being spontaneous. How about hot wings for dinner?

Hannah
My acid reflux is acting up again. And sure I loved being spontaneous, back when it meant fun-filled surprise dates in the evenings after work, or a weekend road trip. But you just don't seem to understand that we have responsibilities now. Mommy isn't paying for the roof over your head anymore.

Kyle
Well, seeing as how your acid reflux medicine is in your purse, why does it matter? And also, I have money. My new job pays well - more than you make as a intern!

Hannah
I like being an intern. I'm really learning a lot at the paper. You might have gotten lucky this time because there was an opening at your uncle's company, but you can't rely on luck to get you through your entire life.

Kyle
Well, it got me you.

Hannah is speechless.

Kyle
Look, we've been together for almost six years. There’s no reason to fight over something like this.

Hannah
Yeah, but it's just - everything's been so tough lately. Back when we met at the beginning of college, we didn't have to think about what the hell we'd eat or dinner, we'd just get whatever they were serving at the dining hall that night. And now everything's such a big decision. I don't want to have to think about what I'm going to eat after work. So don't fucking ask me to choose.

Kyle turns and smiles at her for a moment.

Kyle
Well then relax sweetheart. Let’s just go back home and you can take a nice, long shower and relax while I make you something, and then we can curl up and watch that movie that you like so much.

They pull up to a red light. Just before the light turns green, Hannah leans over and pulls Kyle in for a kiss.

Llevame

A WARNING TO ALL READERS:

This story deals with several disturbing issues,

including but not limited to incest and rape.

Please use discretion.

~ ~ * ~ ~

Among light flurries of white, I’m being chased around. A boy, bigger than me, is at my heels. In our puffy winter clothes, we can’t move as fast, and he’s gaining on me with every step. In a final burst of speed, I duck behind a trash can, just as my brother takes aim with a snowball. It splatters on the front of my hiding place, and I emerge from behind it in the midst of giggles.

~ ~ * ~ ~

That dream, which is actually a memory, seems to be with me ever so much more often these days, probably because it is the first time that I can remember being the object of my brother’s pursuit. We’ve always been close, that much is true. So close that people have commented on the bond between us. But recently, my parents have started to notice that there is a problem between us. Or, rather, a problem with me, because there couldn’t possibly be anything wrong with Holden, nothing wrong with the golden child of the family.

Me, on the other hand - I’ve been the wild one where they could see it. Me - Holden’s polar opposite - I’m the one who is suspect to everything in this house. They suspect that I have issues - and they’re not wrong about that. They’re just looking in the wrong places.

My brother’s the one who needs help. His deepest, darkest secret remains hidden to everyone except me. I suppose it would be my deepest, darkest secret too.

I’m thinking about that dream right now as I lie in bed because I want to go to sleep, but I can’t yet. I know he’ll be here soon; at least he’s faithful. Late each night, I am forced to live a waking nightmare while my brother lives out his fantasies.

There is a soft knock at my bedroom door. I don’t move. Holden slips in, shutting the door quietly behind him before locking it. Wouldn’t want to be discovered.

He comes over to my bed, pulls down the sheets, and pulls my nightgown up above my waist. I let him. I know by now that struggling is no use; he doesn’t want to have to hurt me. As he leans over me to caress my cheek, I don’t look at him at all, only past him.

I pretend not to notice when he is finally on top of me, his lips brushing my neck, his hand on my breast. I pretend not to notice him, pressing into my leg. And when he finally pulls his boxers and my panties down past our knees, I still don’t act like anything is wrong. After all, this is the way he likes it.

“I love you,” he whispers before he begins. And I have to wonder, if he really loves me, would he be doing this? Ten minutes of him moving around on top of me, ten minutes of staring at a point on the ceiling over his shoulder, and it is finally over.

Sweaty and panting, he begins to replace my clothes and his own. I still haven’t moved. I just lie there, impassive. A statue, not a girl. And then, in a parody of the brother he should be, Holden tucks me into bed, a porcelain doll, and kisses me goodnight on the cheek.

When I go down to breakfast the next morning, he is already there, polishing off his bowl of cereal. Our parents have already finished eating. My mother is rinsing her dishes in the sink, and my father's face is hidden behind this morning’s Wall Street Journal. It is nothing but an ordinary day in a series of ordinary days.

I sit down at the kitchen table across from my brother. I begin to pour some cereal for myself. I refuse to look at my brother.

My mother has taken due notice. She turns to me with a half-concerned, half-confused expression on her face. Here will be mom’s daily attempt at parenting. Naturally, she will fail miserably.

“Daphne, what’s the matter?” she asks me, placing a carton of milk in front of me. I reach for it eagerly, and begin pouring as slowly as possible, so I have an excuse to look somewhere other than at her face.

“Daphne, are you fighting with Holden?” she asks after I haven’t replied to the first question. Actually, I haven’t even looked up from the pouring milk.

“No, mom, Holden and I are not fighting,” I say quietly, not meeting anyone’s eyes. Well, it is the truth after all, if what I left out of it can be forgotten.

I pick up my spoon and take a bite of my breakfast. At the same time, my brother swallows the last of his milk and pushes his chair back, standing up.

“Hey, Daph,” he addresses me as he goes to put his dishes in the sink with a clank. “Want to hike up to the old treehouse today?”

I finally look at him. My mother observes me from where she is already loading Holden’s dishes into the dishwasher.

My mind is turning over as I process his invitation. Hike up to the treehouse? I’d like to get out of the house, but it’s the dead of winter. The trail is likely covered with snow, and no one in his right mind would ever go that far just for a treehouse. And then it hits me. Holden is not in his right mind at all. And the treehouse is the first place that we ever had privacy.

Now that I’ve figured out why he’s asking, what little desire I had to get out of the house evaporates. I open my mouth to refuse. Just as quickly, I realize that if I refuse to be in my brother’s presence, my mother might just send me off to that counselor that she’s been threatening me with. Besides, accepting would be the perfect way to convince her that we aren’t fighting.

“Please, Daffy?” he asks. His use of my old childhood nickname does not placate me. He looks at me pleadingly.

“Sure,” I mumble, my surliness retuning. I put down my spoon and push my barely-touched bowl away from me. My appetite has disappeared.

My mother turns her back on us, satisfied. Thankfully, she hasn’t noticed my uneaten food. My father hasn’t moved the newspaper from in front of his face throughout this entire exchange. He’s more interested about reading the latest Wall Street scandals. He wouldn’t notice if scandals were being committed right under his own nose.

“You’re a right old champ, Holden,” he says from behind his newspaper.

Later, as I am pulling sweats over my head, Holden enters the room. He helps me, like any other brother might, to search out my cold-weather coat from the depths of my closet. The coat is white, just like the snow. Holden pulls the sleeves over my arms, then kisses me roughly. That isn’t so much like him, and certainly not like any other brother. There is a craziness in his eyes, and I know immediately that this is a mistake.

Then again, one might say that keeping this secret is a mistake also.

We set out, he pulling me along behind, never letting go of me. When we reach the treehouse, it is almost as cold inside as it is out. He can’t possibly expect me to take off my clothes.

He does. After we’ve squirmed out of our layers of clothing, he drapes a blanket over me, then pulls me to the wood-planked floor. I am freezing to the bone, but every part of my soul burns. For once, I am almost thankful for our closeness as his body heat slowly warms me up.

I stop shivering, and he begins moving. What I thought was a nightmare is now happening to me in the light of day. I squeeze my eyes shut and whimper inadvertently.

He stops and draws a cold lungful of air carefully. “Daphne,” he murmurs my name softly. I hold my breath, afraid. He’s even less of himself today. “I love you,” he says, as if this will solve everything.

He continues, and suddenly I feel as if I can’t breathe. Somehow, though, I don’t faint, and I wish I could. At least I would no longer be aware of the atrocity being committed to my body.

I have no idea how much later it is when he decides to let me up. I am no longer cold, but instead burning with a fever in my head.

When I return to the house, I am certain that I can’t take a day more of this. I don’t want to have to feel any more guilt. I don’t want to think that it’s my fault that Holden is the way he is.

I start to formulate a plan. My parents are out; my brother said he wouldn’t be back until the afternoon. I’m alone in the house; finally alone, away from my parents’ oblivious gazes and my brother’s perpetual presence amongst the shadows.

I enter my parents’ room and open their dresser drawers. My father is paranoid, and I know there is a handgun around here somewhere. There won’t be a lock on it. Once it is located, I take it, leaving in its place a note.

Not that they will believe me, of course. In their eyes, Holden can do no wrong. But at least I don’t have to take his secret to my grave.

I wander back to my room, saying goodbye along the way. I look outside a window at the swirling flakes, and I have a vision of two children, the boy chasing the girl. It is then that I know I am saying goodbye to my brother as I remember him, not as I know him now.

Once I reach my bedroom, my last goodbye is to myself. I take a good look at my reflection in the mirror. I am so preoccupied with my coming freedom from this hell that I would not have noticed my door opening if I had not seen the flash of light in my mirror.

Holden slips in silently, just as he always does. It takes him a moment to realize that this will be the last time. He sees the gun in my hand and his mouth opens to scream “No!” but it is not soon enough coming.

I turn towards him, shut my eyes, pull the trigger, and I am deaf…blind…numb…………....................gone.

~ ~ * ~ ~

My sister drops to the floor, and it only takes a moment before her head is surrounded by a halo of her own blood. I kneel at her side. I touch her arms, then her face. Then the tears come, along with the disbelief. I don’t even notice that there is blood covering my hands. All I can think is, I’ll never get to hold Daphne close to me again. (What have I done?) I kneel there, sobbing, as she grows stiff, pale, and cold. I don’t know how long as I stay at her side (thirty minutes? three hours?). I don’t notice when our parents arrive home and come to check on us. I don’t notice as my mother almost faints at the sight of Daphne’s dead body. I don’t even notice the wails of the approaching sirens. There is only one siren, and it is in my mind, repeating, “I’m sorry, I love you, I never wanted to hurt you.”